Talking to Your Child About Death

Death is often a very difficult topic to talk about. Many of us don’t know exactly what to say or do when someone dies. Some of us are paralyzed by the fear that we may not say the right thing, therefore we don’t say anything at all. However, not talking about death does not mean that we are not communicating about death. Children are acutely aware of our behavior, and they will notice our discomfort. As a result, they may be less inclined to ask questions; developing their own explanations, fears, and anxieties about death. It is essential that we talk to our children about death, listen to their concerns, and provide reassurance and comfort. Here are some suggestions on how to talk to your children about death.

1) Examine your own thoughts and philosophical or religious beliefs about death so that you can talk to your children comfortably when the occasion arises.

2) Answer your child’s questions with brief, simple honest answers that are appropriate for his/her age and development. Be careful with the euphemisms you use to explain death as many fears and anxieties have grown out of well-intended attempts to protect children from learning about death. Explain that death is not like sleep, and it is final. Clarify the difference between a fatal illness and “just being sick.” It should be made clear that death is not a punishment – neither your child nor the deceased is being punished. Do not overwhelm your children with more information or details about the death than they are prepared to handle.

3) Listen and accept your children’s feelings. Many children feel sorrow, pain, confusion, abandonment, anger, hostility, fear, and guilt. All of their feelings are valid and need to be expressed. Acknowledge their concerns and provide reassurance. It’s ok not to have all the answers. Despite the loss, children still need limits. Do not allow your children to behave unacceptably.

4) Funerals can help provide closure for children while amongst the supportive company of family and friends. If your children are old enough to understand and want to go to the funeral, they should be allowed to participate. Before the funeral, explain all aspects of a funeral - what your child will see and hear before, during, and after the funeral. If your children do not want to be a part of the funeral, do not coerce or make them feel guilty.

5) Children process death in individual rates and ways. Allow time for healing. Set aside special time with each child to talk, listen, and reassure him/her. Although it may be difficult, take the initiative in expressing grief. Expressing your sorrow can show your children that it’s ok to feel sad and cry. Reminisce and share your memories of the loved one. Make a photo or memory album of all the wonderful times and gifts your family shared with this person. Provide non-verbal outlets for feelings like exercise, journaling, or art.

6) Often the death is just as hard or even harder on the adult. Since your children will be looking to you for strength and reassurance, it is essential that you have adequate support throughout the grieving process. Do not hesitate to seek professional help for yourself.